Fantastic Four review

A rant about comic books. Please trawl our archives if this doesn't interest you. It shouldn't.

When I was a kid I read comic books. I was a fan of the Legion of Super-Heroes in the 1970s, what is usually called the Bronze Age of comic books. I recently purchased three volumes of collected Legion stories from comics' Silver Age, roughly the 1960s. I enjoyed them so I thought maybe some more modern light reading would be an asset in the house. Since the Legion is no longer published, I paid a subscription for Marvel Comics' Fantastic Four. I think it was $21 and change for a year's worth. I should have handed that 21 bucks to a panhandler downtown.

I'm into my third month of my subscription and I won't renew when it expires. The magazines are printed on good paper, the art is professional, the colors are vibrant, but I have little idea what is going on. There's a lot of action, but little of it makes any sense. The stories seem to be about characters in motion, without explanation or purpose beyond filling the space between covers with robust eye candy in lieu of storytelling. When the last issue arrived, I unwrapped it and put it next to my side of the bed and forgot it for three days. I read it last night in five minutes. There's that many words in the 28 pages that aren't ads. I tossed it aside, forgetting it except for my rue that I've been ripped off.

The Legion stories contained lots of third-party, omniscient narration while the pictures complemented the words. The dialogue served as further exposition. An example: In Adventure Comics # 367, Karate Kid is in a future version of Japan. He is walking under trees shaped like bonsai and there are kanji on the Oriental-style skyscrapers. He thinks to himself, "JAPAN! ONE OF THE FEW PLACES ON EARTH IN THE 30TH CENTURY TO MAINTAIN SOME OF ITS DISTINCTIVE CULTURAL FLAVOR! JAPAN! IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!" In the next panel, as an Asian woman in geisha dress looks his way, he thinks, "I GREW UP ON THESE STREETS! 'VISIT MY PARENTS,' BRANIAC 5 SAID!...WISH I COULD! OF COURSE, I DIDN'T TELL THE LEGION THAT I NEVER KNEW MY REAL PARENTS...THAT THE 'FOLKS' I TALKED ABOUT WERE THE PEOPLE OF TOKYO, WHO RAISED ME AS A FOUNDLING! YET IN A WAY, I'M VISITING MY PARENTS...OR THE NEAREST THING TO THEM!" [ed. note: transcribed directly from comic book conventions of all caps, bold face for emphasis and exclamation points instead of periods.]

Needless to say the current issues of the Fantastic Four (once billed as "The World's Greatest Comic Magazine") doesn't have any narrative boxes or any thought balloons. It doesn't have many panels either. In the old days you got one, maybe two, 'splash pages', a full page illustration. The old comics had a story to tell and didn't like to waste space. Marvel comics don't seem to care a whit about paper costs. In FF #568, that I currently have in front of me, one full page illustration is an aerial view of Manhattan around the Chrysler Building, probably courtesy of Google Maps. Two small, silhouetted 'figures' seem to be riding trails of smoke. The dialogue: Figure One, "THE ORANGE ROCK CREATURE HAS ARRIVED." Figure Two, "I FEEL THEIR HOPE. THEIR NOBILITY. SUCH MEAT." I subscribed for this? I pity the schmuck who pays the $3.99 cover price. [ed. observation: no exclamations points used, with good reason.]

So what happens in FF#568? You've got me. I thought the last issue, a prolonged, obvious dream sequence that didn't do anything but employ people to produce it, was a waste of my time and (my) money (not theirs...I'm the one who was fleeced). Ditto this month. The issue ends with a 'double splash' that is a mess of pencil and ink diarrhea. The following page (mercifully, the last), proclaims "Next Issue!" and shows two of the title characters faces. Great! I'll see two members of the Fantastic Four in the comic I bought that has the same name. I foresee future issues heading straight to the recycling bin.

Comics didn't used to stink. They may not have been fine literature but they didn't leave me feeling used. Maybe most still don't stink. In my humble opinion, Fantastic Four is a COSMIC STINKEROO!! Comics don't have to be bad. I think I'll be swearing off the Marvel titles and trying something else when this subscription runs out. I may try something by DC (Marvel's main rival) but none of their subjects really appeal to me [Sorry Batman and Superman fans].

Until then, the mailman has a reason to visit my house once a month even if I don't appreciate it.