Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Bird Dogs and Gentlemen

The sap is rising. Finally. The trees are flowering, the cat birds have come north to roost. Worms are churning the topsoil and the grass is the green, green grass of home. Ah, Boston!

The turn of the weather today made a lot of gentlemen linger on street corners. It was a fine day for girl-watching. Skin is starting to be exposed. Not everyone has unpacked thier shorts and bikinis but hems are rising and sleeves are no longer full length. The down coats have been mothballed, thank goodness.

Pretty women are everywhere out and about, taking the streets by storm. Boston is full of eye candy and a virile man's thoughts turn toward the fairer gender. He can't help himself with so many pretty specimens walking the sidewalks. Some tips for potential bird dogs:

1.) Don't wear mirrored sunglasses. a.) Even if you have mastered the peripheral stare, ladies suspect what you are doing. b.) If you haven't mastered the peripheral stare, you look like a damned fool staring head-on at a woman while wearing mirrored sunglasses. c.) If you are not a cop or prison guard, why are you wearing mirrored sunglasses? Do you really want to intimidate lovely ladies by looking like a damned fool out of uniform?

2.) Women are more than a pair of breasts. When you look at them, look at the whole package. you won't seem like a fetishist and you will enjoy the many attributes female beauty embodies. Look the ladies in their eyes. You won't seem so much a creep. This doesn't apply if you wear mirrored sunglassses while you do it.

3.) Women are not just an attractive body or a pretty face. It takes a lot of work to make everything ship-shape. Admire a woman's clothing. Steaks are sold more for their sizzle than their meat. If you like an all-you-can-eat buffet, sloppy dressing may appeal to you. A true connosieur admires a woman's shoes. Ladies put a lot of thought into their outfits and they appreciate attention paid to thier footwear.

4.) A woman can have snaggle teeth and they can be charming. Nothing beats a confident, cheerful smile. Look a woman in the mouth when you look at her. There is plenty to admire and plenty to learn about a potential paramour. A piece of spinach between incisor and gum means she eats healthily. A gangrenous blotch of osteonecrosis means you probably don't want a kiss, no matter how bouncy her breasts.

5.) Muttering, "Nice choppers" is never overheard as a compliment. The same is true of "nice stems," or other unprintable things. Keep your thoughts to yourself no matter how strongly you feel them. Play your cards close to your vest.

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