Thursday, March 01, 2007

Gang Infiltration

Planet Fitness, a new gymnasium that has opened on Boston Post Road just over the New London border in Waterford, has rules for people who want to exercise there. The rule is that members cannot wear, skull caps, do-rags, bandannas, or other gang-related insignias.

A pale, Irish-tinted, fresh-faced, freckled, red-headed woman went one morning to Planet Fitness wearing her frayed, beige bandanna to keep her sweaty hair out of her face as she pushed her muscles to the limit on the elliptical machine. The well-trained staff at Planet Fitness recognized trouble when they spotted it. The beefiest bouncer on staff approached this woman and told her she had to remove her beige bandanna. She asked why. Well, the jig was up. She was informed that Planet Fitness Headquarters had been informed that a chapter of the notorious Bolton Notches had begun to infiltrate southeastern Connecticut.

The Bolton Notches are one of the toughest gangs in Connecticut, based in a clubhouse on Birch Mountain in Bolton, Conn. They are known for mailbox thrashings, newspaper theft, forest bonfire keg parties and other mischief too horrifying to report. Their colors are a beige bandana matched with lavender medical assistant uniforms purchased at Wal-Mart. The Planet Fitness Intelligence Department is up to date on gang activity in Connecticut. They know how to recognize trouble as soon as a hint of it happens.

The woman was asked to remove her bandanna and never wear it again on the premises. She is also not allowed to wear lavender scrubs, of the type typically worn in medical offices, either while entering or exiting the premises. Planet Fitness is a place known to be free of criminal activity and the proprietors intend to keep it that way. If you are thinking of wearing beige or lavender to exercise at Planet Fitness think twice. This is a clean gymnasium and they intend to keep it that way. They don't check for steroids or foul language, but they like to keep the color scheme royal purple and sweet corn yellow.

Keep your gang colors in your car. Build your fighting muscles at Planet Fitness, a Judgement Free Gym, just don't let on why you are going through your cardio routine or weight training. You are advised to keep your switchblade in your glove compartment as well.

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